The first week of a new academic year is complete, and it is with the utmost honor that I continue the series that garnered the reverence of two loyal readers: The Weekly Yak. Whether you’re new to TU — in which case, welcome — or are trying to commit to your “New Year, New Me” outlook on the school year by reading something other than your enemies-to-lovers, self-insert fanfic with a character that you should really stop idolizing, there’s something here for everyone.
If you are unfamiliar with The Weekly Yak, allow me to fill my word count quota by describing this creation fueled by my love for connection and storytelling, which are two sides of the coin called Hot Gossip. Every week I spend about 10 minutes writing an article bashing the school and others, oftentimes with words that aren’t even mine! Freshmen, definitely use my articles as ways to learn how to not plagiarize, and your professors will shake your hand… From between the bars of your jail cell. If you’re wondering how you too can join the community of slander, you can’t. You can only join Yik Yak once you send me $10, your social security number and your mother’s maiden name. I take Cash App.
To cut myself off there, I present the top 10 Yik Yak posts from the first week of classes. As always, we refrain from reusing posts that were posted in previous weeks and those in which graphics provide the majority of the context for the posts:
“Can we all just make a universal pact that as long as they aren’t smelly, we just ignore the fact that everyone is sweating their balls off once they get to class” – Tulsa
“Dear freshmen,
Please remember the following:
– shower
– don’t seek out ways to cheat, seek ways to understand, a 50 is better than a 0. You will perform badly in a class. Happens to everyone
– work with your peers this is your future networking system.” – Tulsa
“Is pike like the gay frat?” – Tulsa
“The frats throwing frisbees at the activities fair is so pitch perfect” – Tulsa
“GOOD MORNING ALL YOU ACADEMIC WEAPONS, WE MADE IT THRU THE FIRST WEEK (bicep emoji x3) TU WON LAST NIGHT (football emoji x2) (confetti popper emoji x2) THREE DAY WEEKEND. IT DONT MATTER WHERE WE ARE ALL AT, AS LONG AS WE’RE DOING OUR BEST!!! BE BOLD THIS WEEKEND, TALK YO THAT PERSON YOUR CRUSHING ON” – ifarded
“For a second I got scared Pike was gonna leave out their gym highlights for this years rush video (fearful emoji) thank god they added it towards the end” – Tulsa
“Can everyone text Braddy daddy to cancel Thursday night classes this week so that everyone can attend the first game? Pls and thx” – Tulsa
“I wish everyone a good first day for tomorrow’s classes” – Tulsa
“Pro tip: if you can, try to be born into generational wealth” – Tulsa
“Let’s get all the frat guys together and see who can resist making out with each other first” – Tulsa
Since I’m feeling very optimistic about the onset of the semester so far (or maybe it’s the caffeine overdose I’m pushing) I’ll also be sharing my personal favorites from the week. It’s a good time to start farming Yakarma for almost no social benefit except being banned from all frat parties, because the only thing they know besides how to make ice sink in drinks is that Yik Yak is a breeding ground for frat-boy defamation.
“I get the most upvotes anytime that I spread misinformation. Expect some more soon.” – Tulsa
“Born to crash out. Forced to be a civilized human being.” – Tulsa
“When you realize that someone has found your top secret go-to bathroom on campus” – Tulsa
“Why chic filla screaming out orders instead of names. I dont need everyone to know my back is big (exasperated moaning emoji)” – Tulsa
“If I randomly start failing mid semester it’s because of the long term exposure to mold (smug cat emoji)” – Tulsa
Do you want your Yaks to be featured next week on The Collegian? Be funny. Make Hannah laugh. That rarely happens. Free Palestine.
