Aries (March 21-April 19): Repeat back to me, pink drinks are not a sufficient source of nutrients, got it. Eat your wheaties and go for a run, sitting in front of your laptop is not consistent with a healthy school life balance. See any pretty flowers while running, don’t pick them, but take time to lean over and smell them.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Congrats on completing week one of classes, great work no blemishes, but next week let’s focus on getting up before 2pm, hopping in the shower and actually attending class. Avoid lime scooters like the plague, wet wheels do not stop at the same speed as dry ones and your forehead will thank you.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): That skateboard that sits in the corner of your room and has been eyeing you everytime you leave needs to be used, colder months are coming and the clout you receive from your biyearly cruise are essential. Throw some pads on, there is a reason the board mostly sits in the corner.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Yes, I know Tame Impala is just one guy, this is the third time you have told me. This week has some great opportunities Cancer, it’s almost like a gravitational pull, something in Oliphant 110 is calling out to you. Probably should go find out what, just make sure it’s tuesday at 5pm and that you bring something funny.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Seek medical help Leo, the way you hit the ground at sip and slide probably wasn’t good for your brain matter. Everything you “sipped” afterwards only helped though. Rise and shine, drink some delicious orange juice and meditate about how you got in this mess. In other news, it might be time for a haircut.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Imminent speeding ticket, Virgo you must be aware of the sly motorcycle cop hiding behind a tree on I-44. Not only should your car never reach that speed for safety reasons, you do not have $113 to spend in court fees. Also, Happy birthday, it’s your day, live it up.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Talking to that person in class that you have been avoiding will go well, first impressions are everything, so don’t mess it up. Hit game deadlock should only come after finishing homework. Get well soon, at least you didn’t super spread. Let’s play highground, finish the 4 day week strong.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Good morning, Scorpio. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, involves the acquisition of the weirdly pastel blue scooby doo gummy that tasted similar to chalk and the color blue, designated “Kilo.” You may select two other signs to assist you, This message will self-destruct in five seconds.
Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): How is covid feeling idiot, maybe don’t go to classes next time, always knew that was a bad idea didn’t you. Stay hydrated, eat a cookie and get some rest. If history serves you right, Labor day will provide an insane work ethic and you will knock everything out at once. Or at least keep telling yourself that.
Capricorn (December 22- January 19): That Starry craving is disgusting Capricorn, who actually likes radioactive waste water doing a poor impersonation of Sierra Mist. Drop some more big dollars on your “mental health” and by that we both know the numerous lego sets mocking you from the far corner of your room isnt going to fix anything.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Did you know Aquarius, being an annoying narcissist isn’t the best way to make friends and be successful academically. Instead binge eat cool ranch doritos and forget the haters. Just not this hater, as we are omnipotent and cannot be easily forgotten. Sorry that you got sick, get your booster next time.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): I just read the newest headline from the Washington Post, BED ROTTING IS IN, good news Pisces just 6 more hours of sleep and a netflix documentary about the mexican cartel is totally good for you and will not affect your ability to learn and grow. Make sure to eat copious amounts of popcorn and stay away from water, it’s bad for you.
