Administration awaits students’ gratitude for selfless decision to promote safety and lower carbon emissions.
This Saturday, Oct. 18, administration at the University of Tulsa was excited to announce forward-thinking amendments to the 2025 Homecoming events schedule. The most notable change outlined in the school-wide email was the transition from a traditional “dangerous and polluting bonfire” to a “streamlined, fire-adjacent viewing experience” in the form of a cardboard cutout.
The Board of Trustees cited last year’s massive success, when the annual bonfire was replaced with floodlights in a circle due to a statewide burn ban. Despite the unintended nature of the adjustment, Chief Financial Officer Jeff Nevins described the event as “even cheap–- I mean better than our usual celebration.” Then-university President Brad Carson later clarified the reason for the adjustment, citing the funds withdrawn from the school budget. As shown in the record, the light show cost roughly the same as — and even slightly higher than — the previous years’ bonfires. “That money all went to the light show,” explained Carson in a 2024 interview; “after all,” he continued with a nonsinister chuckle “it’s not like it could have gone anywhere else!” As a matter of fact, the Board of Trustees unanimously agreed that the quieter, more corporate feel of 38 flashlights in the ground was far more enjoyable for students and led to record-high attendance and approval ratings. The Collegian has not been able to locate any students who actually bothered to go last year who could provide a quote on the joyous throng.
CFO Nevins explained that replacing this year’s blaze with a stock image on 12-square feet of double wall corrugated cardboard is done purely with the aim of further pleasing students. “We hope that [TU students] will see how much we’re sacrificing here to please them,” said the financial leader. He claims that this eco-friendly upgrade was largely done as a favor to TU’s left-leaning, “tree-hugger” student body: replacing a carbon-emitting fire with a carbon-neutral cardboard cutout will slash the school’s carbon footprint by an annual 0.8%. Additionally, the money that CFO Nevins hesitantly admitted was saved by the switch will go right back to the students by updating TU’s petroleum engineering classrooms. “Honestly, there is some fear among us [executive staff] about our generosity being taken advantage of, but,” at this point Nevins sniffed loudly, picked up a bottle of eye drops, and turned around for thirty-four seconds before continuing, “we really do do it all for the kids.” Nevins then wiped a presumably genuine tear from his eye, clearly overwhelmed by selfless devotion to his school at all costs, and concluded the interview to attend a snow leopard-dinner with the executive team.
As for the bonfire build, TU’s typical Thursday Homecoming event will be replaced by a new tradition from the mind of the beloved Dean Debbie Chalmers. “Student storytime,” as Chalmers termed it in a follow up email on Sunday, would be a communal, anonymous* time to “regale classmates and peers with your favorite memories of underage drinking here at TU.” As a way to make it more fun, Chalmers also added a gossip-sharing element, saying, “here, name dropping isn’t just allowed — it’s encouraged! Spill that tea, homegirl!” Due to the “huge improvements” made to Thursday’s event, there will be a new $15 door cost to attend, but it is sure to be well worth it.
Other updates to the homecoming processions include a new homecoming court position called “guest king” with actual monarchical power to be awarded to universally-beloved academic Kevin Hern, “authentic” food trucks where students pay with real money instead of tickets from the university and an alumni bootlicking tournament with a grand prize of $15 in Kohl’s cash.
*excluding student IDs, names, and social security information, which are mandatory
