Aries (March 20-April 19th): The stars predict that your study abroad application will be… rejected! Apparently the astrologer working for the international studies department foresaw that if you get into Spain, they’re going to invent their own version of “gringo” and it will be DEVASTATING.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): The moon wanes, and your fortune with it. However, your soul feels more room for creativity in its absence; take advantage, and spend this week prioritizing your more artistic hobbies like drawing, making music, or completing your shrine to The Obelisk.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): At 3:57 this Thursday, you will drop your water bottle very loudly in the library, bend down to pick it up, and be showered with the contents of your backpack which you forgot to zip up.
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): This week, soak up the last rays of summer sun to charge your chakras before nuclear winter sets in. The stars report some concerning happenings in Mongolia; I would give us a 60-40 on an extinction event by Christmas.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): The constellation Pleiades brings a mysterious omen. What’s the omen of Pleiades, you ask??? FOOL!!!! YOU FELL RIGHT INTO MY TRAP: PLEIADES NUTS!!!!!!!!!!
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): You want another horoscope?? I have a Lab due in 15 minutes, I am not about to spend 10 of them thinking up a witty little prophecy for you!! This is insane greed from you beggars; I’m a student too!!!
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): Libra, your extensive use of Pokemon TCG Pocket is wearing your chakras to the bone. PLEASE do your homework, like just once or twice; this is getting hard to watch.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): The stars are omniscient, the stars call it the ACAC. You can’t force a change in slang, it has to happen naturally, it has to simmer slowly. But if you really want to feel like you did something, we’ll let you call it that anyways.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): This week, use affirmations of positivity to maintain your spiritual wellbeing through the winter. Repeat after me “I will not fistfight the TA, I will not fistfight the TA, I will not fistfight the TA…”
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): This week, creativity flows as your constellation reaches its peak in the night sky. I mean, not really, but if thinking that will get you working on that midterm project, then totally it is. Just lock in already!
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Midterms are coming with a fury, but remember that your grade doesn’t determine your worth; that’s my job, and I wouldn’t put you above a 3/10 human being score for a 4.6 triple major in two years. $20, on the other hand, might get you somewhere…
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): The spiritual forces that make the Subway workers read your mobile order have long slumbered, but awaken as Pleiades rolls across the sky. Gone are the days of your elite chicken bacon ranch having neither bacon nor ranch; from here on out, you can mobile order to your heart’s content!
