Here are some spoopy horrorscopes for your pagan pleasure. Enjoy!

Aries – Werewolf – Have a crazy ex-boyfriend who follows you everywhere? Try this simple solution! Become a werewolf. He won’t recognize you, and it’s a fun way to spice up your sex life because your new boyfriend is very much a furry, but didn’t think you were into that.

Taurus – This is by far the cheapest and easiest transformation. All you need is a vat of acid. Take a relaxing swim in the vat and you’re done. Everything but your bones has been eaten away by the acid, and you’re now just a skeleton.

Gemini – Out of the corner of your eye you see a tall, dark and handsome figure in the woods. You think, “Is that actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf?” It’s not. It’s just Slender Man. Just kidding. It’s a mirror. You’re Slender Man. Spooky!

Cancer – Quit sulking about your ex-girlfriend dumping you for that douchebag, Tod, and be a badass bitch … I mean witch. You could even learn a few spells and curse her. Some suggestions are the “eternally about to sneeze hex,” the “all showers and/or baths forever cold curse,” or the “every time you try to plug in a USB, it’s upside down jinx.”

Leo – You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? Well now you can because you’re Satan himself. Because you’re such a dick, nobody else wants to hang out with you, so you might as well learn how to dance.

Virgo – You are Frankenstein. You may be thinking, “don’t you mean Frankenstein’s monster?” No! I do not! The real monster is Dr. Frankenstein for bringing that poor creature into this cruel world. And you are just as bad as him.

Libra – We all know how indecisive you are. The best solution for that is to become an actual ghost. You get the best of both worlds. You can spend your time amongst the living, haunting and scaring them without all the commitment and responsibility because you’re dead.

Scorpio – Be a sexy vampire. You are definitely thinking, “Aren’t all vampires sexy?,” because that’s the kind of person you are. This will easily get you laid, not that that’s even an issue for you.

Sagittarius – If you haven’t noticed how impatient you are, you will when you become a mummy. You’ll spend thousands of years laying in a fancy wooden box waiting for someone to break into your home so you can curse them. Sounds fun, right?

Capricorn – You may be wondering, “What’s an ass clown?” Have no fear! We at The State-Run Media don’t know either. But we do know that you should never rub another man’s rhubarb. So, go have a few laughs, scare a few kids, don’t forget to smile and put on a happy face.

Aquarius – Everyone calls you heartless, so why not actually stop your heart and become a zombie? Unfortunately, being undead comes with a slow mind and body, so good luck with your midterms.

Pisces – You may feel like a chicken running around with its head chopped off. Be more festive and really get into this great holiday season. Find a nice pumpkin, carve a face into it, ride your trusty steed and show off your new pumpkin head as the Headless Horseman.