It’s a really good thing we don’t live in Tornado Alley
As an Oklahoman native I have seen my fair share of EF1’s EF2’s and even had an EF3 dropped right on my house. In fact, my own Grandmother was sucked up into the sky one dreary night and we found her at River Spirit casino, hitting the buffalo slots four days later. So I was even more shocked to hear President Donald Trump announce his plan to “fire” tornadoes. Like something out of an episode of “The Apprentice,” at the most recent press conference taking place in the basement of Mar-a-lago the president, flanked by a backdrop of swirling storm clouds and a giant banner reading “Tornadoes Are Woke! Trump wagged his finger and gutterally yelled out his signature catchphrase, “You’re fired!” As the crowd roared its incompetence, he began to shout “I’ve seen the data, and let me tell you, tornadoes are just not working hard enough. They’re lazy, they’re destructive-” More cheers echo the cramped confines, “-and frankly, they’re not making America great again!” The loudest cheers finally explode out of the mob. Reporters from Associated Press attempted to get to the front to ask questions, but were shoved out of the way by their peers from Russia Today, who are whisked to the front row and are given access to a microphone. The AP news team does attempt to ask, yelling at the top of their lungs, “But sir, we have tornado season in the midwest coming soon, don’t you think that firing 880 National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration employees will lead to catastrophic effects on weather safety?” Which is immediately pierced by a well spoken russian correspondent, “beautiful idea comrade, how much money will this save from the flailing American budget?” Like Wormtongue from Lord of the Rings, the scheming eunuch of the United States or better known as his official title, Vice President Musk, slithers out of the shadows, “57 dollars and 13 cents” he gloats proudly. “With the additional cancellation of 380 Microsoft 365 productivity software licenses, 250 VScode subscriptions and 129 Photoshop licenses, we are well on the way to saving over 200 whole dollars!” (This isn’t even satire, DOGE tweeted out about canceling 250 subscriptions for a completely free software.) “We feel that NOAA is just a waste of your valuable tax dollars, as local weather stations are more accurate and provide personalized coverage. The next time the tornado sirens go off, just know that your tax dollars didn’t pay for the warning.” With the tirade slowing down, the crush of the crowd begins to take its toll and the presidential entourage heads for the elevators, it is time for their daily three games of eighteen hole golf. From a press release sent out later from the White House about the cancellation of extreme weather in the United States. In that document Trump suggested that he might consider hiring “the best storms” to replace the tornadoes, “We’ll have the best storms, folks. You won’t believe it!” I for one am excited to see Travis Meyer accurately report with 8% of the NOAA being snapped away, but it will be even more bittersweet when a certain Florida resort is wiped away in an underreported hurricane.
