New year, new him — maybe this year he’ll see we’re meant to be. “The rainy Pleiads wester, Orion plunges…
Horoscopes
Aries (March 20-April 19th): Yeah, yeah, my job is so easy, right? Well I don’t care, I still don’t want…
SGA’s annual sheep throwing competition cancelled
Due to pressure from animal rights groups, the student body president will be chosen via election this year. Since the…
Woke-ism strikes again
Students forego igloo land acknowledgement, now it’s melting. What will leftists come for next? After promoting the great hoax of…
What was Gus T. doing with Jeffrey Epstein in 1987?
Recently published files reveal TU mascot had history with Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein. Inside of the trove of the…
Horoscopes
Aries (March 20-April 19th): The stars predict an important decision in your life this week. Your choice will determine whether…
Horoscopes
Aries (March 20-April 19th): As you return to life as a student, be wary of the dark energy coming off…
Reckless display of power: local badass not even wearing a coat
“I’m not even cold,” boasts nonchalant new King of Sex Ladies, hold onto your panties and fellas, try not to…
The official end-of-semester review
The Board and our Supreme Leader Rick Dickson lead us to yet another perfect fall. The State-Run Media is proud…
Horoscopes
Aries (March 20-April 19th): You guys really didn’t know about Bubba? It must be so weird not having clairvoyance, I’ve…