Please don’t look at the fact that most eviction notices are sent out to people of color. I wouldn’t know, because I don’t “see” color. graphcic by Anna Johns

Ethical landlord dots the ‘i’s in his eviction notices with little hearts

Free will? You get that for free? My landlord charges, like, $80 for not following the Oracle of Delphi.

Liberals of late, find it “trendy” to villainize landlords, one of our nation’s most important jobs. To these unamerican, gun-hating, soy-eating, piece of garbage liberals I ask one question: is it an American ideal to make ad-hominem attacks on these god-loving/fearing landlords who ask so little?

Just look at this owner of a multimillion-dollar apartment complex. Mr. Asite works night and day to ensure his tenants know their self-worth and do not feel like a cog in a cruel corporate wheel. In our interview, he jovially introduced himself, “Please, call me Par. Listen, it’s the least I can do, these fine folx work so hard in an unjust world.”

He explained that helping his tenants “sometimes means dotting the ‘i’s in my eviction notices with little hearts. Sometimes,” he continued, “it’s attaching a printout of anti-discrimination laws so they know we aren’t kicking them out of their home because of their race, or sexual orientation, or anything.” He assured that they “spare no expense in helping them move out. We will even call the police to escort them out so they feel safe for the duration of the experience.”

When asked about how he treats his tenants when they are not being evicted, he responded, “Please, the term tenants is so formal. These people are my family.” He explained that in order to promote a healthy environment of self-sufficiency, he does not fix broken amenities for them, explaining that it would be patronizing for him to provide working air conditioning and heating. “This is 2021, these folx understand how to take care of themselves. You know, self-care is important.”

He explained that when he was in his 20s, he “didn’t beg my landlord to fix broken light bulbs. I didn’t have a landlord, I lived in my Dad’s mansion, and when something was broken I rolled up my sleeves and told the butler.”

He explained how his ethical business model—among other things—was inherited from his father, a well-known oil tycoon. He explained that “[my father] was tough on me, I had to work hard to earn my second Porsche for my 16th birthday. He chose me among all my other siblings to inherit his empire because I was the most entrepreneurial, it was in no way related to all my siblings being women.”

What more could we ask of a productive member of society? Why do we tear down heroes such as this? Watch out liberals, if you aren’t careful I will make a cryptic translation of an expletive aimed at one of your so-called “heroes.” See how you like it when I start chanting, “Let’s go fishing,” or something direct and brave like that. You know what it means, Snowflake. Are you gonna cancel me for having an opinion that I share openly through some kind of code instead of just saying it clearly?

Canceling ethical landlords? What’s next? Making a more just and equitable homeownership system? Making housing a human right? Get over yourself, you Maoists freeloaders!

Post Author: Kyle Garrison