Former Oklahoma State head football coach ready for new career
After a disheartening 19-12 loss to the Tulsa Golden Hurricane that amounted to the Oklahoma State Cowboys’ first loss to Tulsa in Stillwater since 1958, OKST coach Mike Gundy became former OKST coach Mike Gundy. The Cowboys agreed to eat a $15 million buyout in order to get their winningest coach in program history to leave the building. How they got Gundy to evict himself from the premises for the same amount that Nebraska paid to fire Scott Frost, who has literally never been a good Power 4 coach, is still unknown. The current assumption is that Gundy either realized that the buyout constitutes a lot of beer money or simply can’t do math. However, sources report that after spending his entire buyout on a combination of Michelob Ultra and Trump memecoin options on margin, Gundy is once again seeking gainful employment. To this purpose, he’s submitted his resume to Pat Case Dining Center.
“I just figured, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” Gundy said. “Plus, there ain’t much you can do with a background in the Oklahoma education system these days.” Tre Lamb’s most recent doormat also believed his experience in “schmoozing with boosters” could be a benefit on the rare occasions that the school doesn’t use its already overstretched budget to fully cater a banquet for them that they only eat half of.
As a coach, Gundy racked up a list of illustrious accomplishments that can be almost wholly attributed to having access to the services of Brandon Weeden, Mason Rudolph, and Jim Knowles. Also working in his favor is that, like rumored TU presidential candidate Kevin Hern, Gundy is considered to have the right politics for a job at the university – Gundy is a famous supporter of One America News Network, one of the only news sources considered less reliable than the TU State-Run Media. Despite his far right beliefs, though, analysts say Gundy is by no means a lock for the Pat Case job. For example, his 2024 admission that he has gone drinking and driving “a thousand times” could get in his way. Gundy shares his penchant for uncomfortable press conferences with TU administrators, but that could harm Pat Case’s well-earned reputation as a dining hall full of sunny, service-focused personalities. Administration also have concerns that Gundy would threaten Pat Case’s cost-saving guidelines on chicken portions. Some doubt that Gundy could or would fit his trademark mullet under a hairnet. Luckily, he has a backup plan if his prospective job as a Patslop server doesn’t go through.
Although Gundy has firmly asserted that, “I ought to get that dining hall job. I’m a man! I’m 58!” he is purportedly willing to settle for a slightly less prestigious job. “If they don’t take me, though, I’m going to try for a job in the United States Congress. I’ve heard they’ve got thing for old white guys,” Gundy said, musing that his ability to freeze up in the third quarter was not unlike Mitch McConnel’s “statue mode.”
The powers that be at Pat Case have been posed a fascinating dilemma. It is not often someone with Gundy’s accomplishments and name recognition applies to work for our food hall. However, there are downsides to hiring a man who got paid a whole lot more money than Pat Case can afford just to quit his job. For better or worse, Gundy’s outsized personality is sure to leave a mark wherever he ends up. If that place turns out to be the Patricia, students and faculty alike are still unsure: after the trauma of being so horribly dominated by Lamb, will he be able to keep it together when they serve mutton?
