Sororities pledge to better support brunettxs

TU Panhellenic Council pledges to work towards a future with more hair color diversity, frats protest.

Ever working towards a progressive future, the Notorious RBG-pin-wearing chairwoman of the Panhellenic council made a public statement on the trajectory of future sorority demographic makeups. Her speech highlighted that “it’s not the hair color that matters, it’s whether or not you dress and act in the mold that our proud sorority wants, just like MLK said. Immaculate vibes.”

She continued, “for too long the benefits of cronyism-based ‘networking’ have only helped blonde, white women. I want my kids to grow up in a world where even rich white brunette women can fully reap the benefits from joining a wealth-gap preserving organization such as this.” This speech inspired many students, especially rich white women who frequently tell low-income POC women they don’t know the pain of being a woman over five-foot five, and then immediately ask to touch their hair. We interviewed women on campus to get a feel for the student reaction to the speech.

The daughter of a local oil tycoon explained that, while this is a step in the right direction, it is important to see these issues through an intersectional lens, “as a person struggling with affluenza, and as a member of the brunettx community, I have a unique perspective on this and I will not be silenced by some poor blonde woman who only owns two houses.” A lower income student expressed her confusion at the statement, “What? Why are you interviewing me? I am way too poor for them to want me in their sororities. Also, what makes you think I want to? There are much cheaper ways to get body-image issues. I can just talk to my grandma, and she’ll do it for free.”

Not all student demographics supported this diversity initiative. A representative from the Interfraternity Council expressed concern at the direction of the Panhellenic council, “I am just concerned that this will tarnish their proud history as all-blonde organizations meant to provide spouses for frat members.” Another, less sober council member was quoted to say, “as a response we are going to need to be even whiter… I mean blonder with our recruitment process.”

After much drunken deliberation, the Interfraternity Council decided they had no choice but to reallocate all philanthropic funds to the protest effort. They planned and orchestrated a picketing/hazing event this past Saturday, in which they dressed the freshmen recruits in blonde wigs and bikinis and gave them signs with phrases like, “this is what my sororities look like,” “being brunette is gay” or “racist, homophobic, transphobic, internalized-misogynistic and classist isn’t enough, sororities must also be blonde!” It remains to be seen, however, the relative success of the protest. The desperate, whiny cries from the fraternities on campus may have not reached many ears as it was staged on frat row, and most normal people rationally avoid that area entirely.

At press time, KA leadership suggests a new compromise involving pointed white hoods meant to hide hair altogether.

Post Author: Kyle Garrison