TU student shocked to not be selected.
Due to the turbulence in global politics, many missed the occasion, but the first round of the rapture happened on September 23. The whole world was stunned when Pope Leo was not selected in the first round, although correspondents with Jesus and Gabriel, the two coaches at the top of the draft order, say that they felt that he “just didn’t fit their vision of the team.” Many have criticized Pope Leo, calling him undersized for the task, and wondered if his all-star stats (with an average of 1.2 miracles and 15 prayers a day) are mostly due to playing in a weak era. Certainly, that is the opinion of famed analyst Augustine of Hippo, who, when asked for comment, succinctly replied with, “Nobody in this league today could’ve handled playing during Roman persecution.”
In more local news, a devout Christian at the University of Tulsa named John Smith was left devastated when he was not picked. “I read the Bible for 4 hours a day, and pray for at least 6. I’ve put in the work,” he said, sobbing uncontrollably. According to Smith, he was waiting in line for his Einstein Bro’s order when the rapture occurred. “Yeah, I was just pregaming Wednesday night service, listening to my favorite Christian rock band, Heavenly Encounter . . . I promise they’re good, guys, they’ve got 10 listens on Spotify . . . when the rapture started happening! I saw people getting picked up in a holy aura of light, angelic choirs singing over them.” Other bystanders testified that it looked “straight out of an alien abduction movie,” as people started slowly floating out of their chairs and through the ceiling. “But I wasn’t picked up!” John Smith said, tears welling in his eyes. “At one point, a holy aura tried to descend on me, but I told it ‘Just wait five minutes! Then my bagel will be out, please, I promise!’” John Smith, however, was left waiting 43 more minutes for that bagel, and by the time it was done toasting, the rapture had ended.
There is still hope, however, as John Smith may be included in the second round of the rapture, which started on October 7, with many correspondents claiming the apostles are still picking Christians for their teams in the all-wide heavenly basketball tournament through October 9. While the Pope seems to have been passed over yet again, there have been other surprises as well. One (as of yet unidentified) atheist was reported missing, supposedly being picked up in the rapture because they happened to be placing an order for Chick-fil-A on October 8 while Paul was deciding who to get for point guard. In fact, an incomplete study is currently showing that 70% of people who ordered from the campus Chick-fil-A were swept up in the rapture, with that number likely to rise as more cases are studied. When asked about this mixup, the Holy Spirit said that “There was certainly a system issue, yes, but it’s been worked out now.” He declined to comment on whether the mistakenly drafted atheist would be returned, merely noting, “They’re a really good fit on Paul’s team, and we’ll see how the contract situation plays out.”
In any case, with the second round of the rapture almost complete, most of the heavenly basketball teams are starting training for the upcoming tournament. There are rumors that a third rapture round has been planned, but God has refused to comment to the Collegian’s questions about it, merely saying that His “ways are beyond all understanding.” In any case, Peter’s team appears to be the frontrunner, based off of early practice tapes. The betting market will open early next Monday, and sources tell the Collegian that betting even 5 heavenly treasures on an underdog team like John’s might result in winnings upwards of 30 heavenly treasures, so be sure to place your bets, safely, through DraftKings, the official sports betting site of Paradise.*
*Gambling can be addictive, please gamble responsibly. Holy Trinity™ not responsible for losses on parlays even when wins are prayed for.
