Aries (March 20th-April 19th): What mysterious force is responsible for our misfortunes and triumphs? And what right have we to question the justice of such things, greater than ourselves? These will be good things to keep in mind when you receive three (3) tickets for parking in the wrong lot from 5:45 p.m. to 6:58 p.m. this Friday.
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): A message on your identity and destiny is obscured by Tulsa’s light pollution. Sorry, Taurus; until I can get to the countryside under a waning gibbous, it’s impossible to know whether you’re a Smart Fella or a Fart Smella.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): The astral forces that control the Sol Cantina portions are in ideal positions this week: Uranus is aligned with Flatules, the moon is uncomfortably full and the lady on lunch shift just decided that the kids here are too skinny. Jump on this ASAP to get dinner for a week on three meal trades.
Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd): You want another horoscope, right? And for free, sure, of course… Do you understand how much I’m putting on the line here, Cancer? Have you read literally anything by St. Augustine? I’m committing direct blasphemy on a weekly basis; I am literally going to hell for writing you this shit.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): The stars are reading nothing on you, they’ve gone completely dark. Take this opportunity to disappear completely. Get off the grid. Change your name, change your identity — Leo, you might even be able to change your star sign. Freedom is calling, brother. Pick up the phone.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): This week, restore your chi by enjoying the cooler weather outside. It may not seem mild now, but 70s and 80s is going to sound like a refreshing paradise from the inside of the 104॰F library crawlspace you get trapped in on Thursday.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): Terrible omens this week. The Tau Centauri grouping indicates that your girlfriend was absolutely lying about “not smelling anything” in your dorm room, and she ends up talking about it for like an hour with that guy from her econ class. Buy some Febreze or something, Libra!
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): Just took a gander at your karma receipts, Scorp — someone’s been saying mean things about campus maintenance! Have you considered that while you at your private university complain about hearing noises at 9 a.m., the guy making the noise has been up since 5:30 to work manual labor to feed his family? Fruit for thought.
Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): Parents’ weekend is over, and you can’t help but wonder what they thought of your new friends. Let me put your mind at ease, Sagittarius; I accessed their iPhone mics on my crystal orb using Palantir scryware, and they actually wish you were more like Josh.
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): Positive karma this week for reading The Collegian! Make it a habit and you might just reincarnate above 5’9” next time — sorry, 5’10” in shoes, as you say.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): The moon feeds strong focus and clarity for this week. Take the opportunity to lock in on what really matters, and spend all seven days teaching yourself about an obscure historical period in a South Asian country from YouTube video essays. I foresee a conversation in your future that this knowledge will come in extremely clutch.
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): You will die on October 19th, 2073, at 2:53 p.m.
