Head of Ukrainian Relations Sasha Popov now faces life in prison for crimes against hip hop.
Sunday, March 4, special counsel Robert Mueller finally indicted former Trump aide, Sasha “Face Shooter” Popov, on at least a dozen charges, most notably being the killing of Tupac “Tupac” Shakur. Popov, who was traced to Las Vegas on the night of Tupac’s murder, was placed on the scene of the murder by newfound DNA evidence that came from an Adidas tracksuit that was tossed out of the window of the vehicle that shot Tupac.
Popov was also known to be active on various hip hop forums, trying to sow the seeds of distrust in America by having really shitty opinions about music. Known by his American alias, Johnathan Johnny Smith, Popov authored such terrifying comments as “Kanye is the worst performer of our generation,” “Kendrick is overhyped” and “Hopsin is the best rapper alive,” showing the true merciless nature of Russian trolls.
Mueller was quoted as saying, “When we traced him back to Tupac, I knew he had to pay,” before putting on stylish sunglasses and riding away on his motorcycle, presumably to find more Russian trolls to nab. He, however, failed to mention the 90 other crimes that Popov was convicted for, which include starting the feud between Drake and Meek Mills, dissing Lil B and popularizing the phrase “I listen to everything except rap and country.” All were attempts to further alienate the American people from each other.
In addition to the murder of Tupac, Popov is allegedly also responsible for the death of Biggie Smalls. Reportedly Popov had deep connections with Suge Knight over 21 years ago but had broken connections with him after Popov had murdered Biggie and Tupac. Popov was quoted as calling Suge “a man somehow more evil than me” shortly after denying Popov health benefits.
Popov also had a hand in several other non-hip-hop-related crimes that have shaken our country. According to spy intel from the FBI, he had given the detective in the Nicole Brown Simpson and OJ case, Mark Fuhrman, two size-small gloves for his birthday. Then he had bought a yacht for the family of Natalie Woods and oiled all of the surfaces on the boat. Popov also had helped the Zodiac Killer create cyphers with some of Russia’s top spy agencies. He also repeatedly jaywalked. The FBI could never track him down, however, mostly because he only communicates via carrier pigeon and changes his alias after each crime.
Popov was caught by the investigation when he had reported on his taxes that he only had made $20,000 last year but somehow had enough money to donate twenty Lamborghinis to an orphanage in Alaska that mysteriously did not have an address. Sasha Popov faces life in prison for ten charges of crimes against hip hop, six misdemeanors, three war crimes and four counts of murder.