TU undesirable used a recent update to the Google Arts & Culture app, which matches their face to a famous painting, and it ended as well as you’d expect.
Yet again, Silicon Valley has slighted me. In many cases, being compared to a work of art is flattering. However, when Google tells me my selfie is a bona fide Pollock painting, I’ve got some issues. Granted, I’ve never been what the kids call “easy on the eyes,” and few have been able to look at me for more than five seconds without crying. But, just like beloved Sloth from “The Goonies,” I have feelings. Feelings that were damaged in the process of using Google’s new arts and culture app.
This accursed app will have you take a selfie and immediately match you to people depicted in works of art along with a “% Match” between you and them. It has blown up all over the Twittersphere and the Facebooks. I naively decided to join this funky fresh craze after some fellow Old School RuneScape enthusiasts began talking about being matched with works of art by people like Gustave Courbet and Van Gogh (the early years).
When my last date tucked and rolled out of my car after getting a proper look at me, I decided I could use the ego boost.
Upon taking a picture that could have easily netted me three new MySpace friends over the course of a year, I eagerly awaited my match. Yet, I didn’t find my ego inflated by some comparison to Michelangelo’s “David” or at least one of Frida Kahlo’s self-portraits. I was greeted with an absolute disaster of splotches and irregular lines, the same disaster I see in the mirror every morning. What was next to my picture hit even harder than when my mom stood me up at prom. My picture was matched Jackson Pollock’s “She-Wolf.” Before you ask, I was not wearing my fur suit at the time. Despite the name, I was not matched up with some graceful canine prancing through a mystical forest. Instead my slightly unbearable face had a 100 percent match with what looked like a Banksy piece if Banksy had taken nine tabs of acid and stroked out in the middle of it.
Thinking there must have been some mistake, I decided to try it again. This time, I gave that camera my classic Blue Steel look. With a smolder like that, I knew that pathetic app had no chance of hurting me again. But alas, I was wronger than Napoleon invading Russia in the winter. Clocking in at a 98 percent match, I was matched up with Andy Warhol’s “32 Campbell’s Soup Cans.” Enraged, I immediately emailed Google’s customer service line using my business email. Their response read:
Dear YuGiOhDuelMaster420, we regret to inform you that our technicians can’t stop laughing long enough to fix this issue. Instead, we have attached links below to various plastic surgeons in your area. Please find help.
Well, Google, I guess you just lost another user to Bing. If you want to talk and work this out, you have my mother’s address.