A club of square and sushi-loving cats are the true puppeteers of TU’s day-to-day operations, according to Wilson Mann.
To most, the cats that roam the University of Tulsa are a cute and welcome sight, or at the very least a small reprieve from the mundanity of existence. But to one student, these cats are a part of something much more sinister.
“Oh, this goes all the way to the top,” said senior finance major Wilson Mann, who vehemently believes these cats are responsible for all that goes on at TU.
“Oh yeah, the stray cats are liked here. People put out food for them. Someone even made them an Instagram page. But that’s just what the cats want!” said Mann in an exclusive interview. “They want you to think they’re cute and harmless, but if everyone knew the truth, oh how quickly the smiles would fall.”
Mann insists that not only are these cats far more intelligent than they appear, almost on par with human intelligence, but nefarious as well.
“Back when they were renovating the Student Union, how do you think a sushi restaurant got on campus? Do you really think that Food and Dining services thought that up all by themselves? Ha!” Mann sneered. “The cats were behind it all. They planted subliminal messages around campus for months leading up to that decision, just so when all was said and done, they could get their claws on the fish scraps.”
Mann declined to offer evidence for his claim but continued anyway.
“‘Oh, well that’s not so bad, Wilson,’ I hear you saying. ‘I like sushi too.’ But it’s so much more than sushi!” he went on. “The cats are also trying to optimize their cuteness to keep you distracted so you miss more of your lectures, fail your courses and have to stay at TU longer! All so they can further reap the benefits of your tuition and feast on your trash! Can’t you see it?!”
Further pressed for proof, Mann relented, offering, “Look, I haven’t actually seen their secret ceremonies, but that’s just because they’re too smart to be caught. But the signs are everywhere!”
Mann explained that the cats worship squares because they symbolize stability and the material plane, something that, as greedy little creatures, they pine for.
“And what do you see everywhere you look in TU?” he added, “That’s right. Squares! All the buildings have facades of sandstone SQUARES. All of the buildings are blocky, like SQUARES. For God’s sake, the entire of city of Tulsa is even divided into SQUARES! They’ve been here since the beginning! Plotting their rise to power in the background of this university’s — this whole city’s history! And I’m the only one to see them for who they truly are!”
Mann suggests that the cats be overthrown and kicked out of the city forever.
“We cannot sit idly by while these damn cats try to control our lives. Fight back, TU. Fight back!”