Aries: This Wednesday is set to be your lucky day! Unfortunately, in order to get there, you first have to survive this Tuesday, which is your unlucky day. Be on the lookout for falling rocks and/or pianos, people carrying 2x4s on their shoulders making 180° turns, and crosswalks in general.
Taurus: Tough luck Taurus! The universe seems to be confusing People Tauruses with Ford Tauruses, and – in an attempt to grant you a great boon – has manifested lethal quantities of motor oil in all of your food this week. I would suggest a water fast, but it has all been replaced with wiper fluid.
Gemini: Alpha Centauri is aligned with Saturn this week, Orion travels West, and the sun is in retrograde. What does this mean for you? Well, your chakras are entering a new dharmic cycle of physical manifestation, your energy flow is becoming sublaminar, and you will be t-boned by a Lime scooter leaving Oliphant this Thursday.
Cancer: In the stars I see great calamity; war, famine, nuclear winter… the end is nigh, Cancer. But wait! You can prevent this, yes, we’re saved if only, yes, if only you STOP TALKING TO THE PROFESSOR IN MATH LECTURE HOLY COW ASK A REAL QUESTION OR SHUT UP!
Leo: This week, the stars say you should go to bed earlier. You claim that it is all because of your homework, but any hack with a $20 telescope can divine that your screen time is up to five hours a day, and half of your “studying” is done on Instagram reels. Lock in!!!
Virgo: Midterms are done, but this week your academic challenges will not stop. The stars foretell that this is one of the weeks your lab partner will NOT be wearing deodorant, nor will they remember to brush their teeth! Oh no, they have started talking about Zelda really close to your face…
Libra: The spiritual forces that keep your liver going are concerned; hey, it is college, but have you missed a single frat party this semester? You should try drinking one (1) glass of water today, just to see if that works better for your thirst than the usual 11 Smirnoff seltzers.
Scorpio: The stars know they can not tell you what to do, but they think it is time to come clean about Professor McCoy. You may not be Catholic anymore, but bearing false witness is still bad astrological karma, and the rest of the poor physics department still think they have a chance with the J-Dawg.
Sagittarius: The woman of your dreams is real! I of course mean your sleep paralysis demon, the hag with the third eye and all. Turns out you do not have a sleep disorder, it has just been a hag injecting you with succinylcholine and making faces at you for fun all these years.
Capricorn: The air is cooling down, but the stars indicate that if you wear too many flannels, people will start calling you “Adam Sandler” behind your back. If I were you though, I would still wear the flannels: “Adam Sandler” is way better than what we call you right now.
Aquarius: It is time to grow up and learn the tuba. You do not want to learn the tuba, you say? The stars know better. Tuba is your calling. Your Maslow’s Pyramid consists of one block, and that block is a nine-minute tuba solo. Stop hiding behind your excuses, grow up, and learn the tuba already.
Pisces: This week, a stranger will offer you two pills; one red and one blue. Take the red pill, and you will have lowered congestion and respiratory issues. Take the blue pill, and your headache and inflammation go away. The pills are Sudafed and ibuprofen, you get sick this week and the stranger works at a Walgreens.
