I’d like to think that I am a nice guy. It seems almost obvious that I am. Thankfully, people recognize me for this and appreciate my stand-up character. I never have to struggle over people not seeing that I am kind or funny. I do love that people notice my nicer qualities, and I do want people to see me for who I really am. I just don’t want people to overlook how ridiculously hot my body is.

Here’s my dilemma: my bod just will not stop. Like Russell Westbrook going back for his fifth straight triple-double, my bod is an unrelenting powerhouse of raw physicality and well-honed dominance equaling an unparalleled spectacle in the art of allure. The problem is that I’m also gracious and humble and honest. I want people to see me for these true, authentic qualities without letting them overshadow the sheer majesty of my meat sack.

Typically when I walk into a room, people gasp and applaud because of how fucking great and sincere of a person I am. However, this is not fair. People have to understand that I am who I am, but I am also the biological shell that my consciousness uses as a stroller, and that’s equally deserving of adulation. I understand that not everyone will go into seizures over the sight of my body simply because some are doing so over my genuine heart and soul. Certainly, we could work to strike more of a balance.

It would also be a different matter if my bod didn’t outcompete Fabio for People Magazine’s prestigious “best flesh hunk award,” or if it wasn’t used by some near-omnipotent alien race as their definition of “gotdamn ^ ∀ ^” in the latest edition of The Supreme Galactic Dictionary. However, it has, and I think people should recognize that. Maybe with more maturity and mutual understanding, we as a society can learn to see me for I am, but just not ignore that I am unbelievably good looking too.