Reports indicate that on Thursday, a local student realized that she was like, totally an adult now, while hiding a dead body.
“I just realized that it’s such an adult thing to do,” said Kelly Hopkins, a junior energy management major, while shovelling dirt out of a hole. “It’s like getting a full-time job or your own health insurance.”
Not everyone was convinced. “She didn’t even know what to do with the body,” said one of her friends, undecided sophomore Joel Stevens. “She showed up at my apartment and was all like ‘What do I do? Help!’”
“She didn’t even have her own shovel,” he said, while duct-taping a tarp around the corpse. “She had to borrow that one from me,” he added.
There are some who have expressed doubt about the ethics of Hopkins’ formative experiences. “Did you just say that there was a murder?” asked Hank Williams, a TPD officer. “You legally have to tell me if you have any information about a homicide.”
Hopkins was undaunted by the skeptics. “I think that this is just a really great opportunity for personal growth,” she said while patting down the earth over the body. “Like, I’m taking responsibility for my own actions and stuff.” She paused, and started laughing. “Oh my god, I totally sound like my mom.”