Looking back at the highlights of Governor Kevin Stitt’s impressive first term in office, I chose my personal favorites.
When Governor Stitt abolished school and replaced it with mandatory Chick-fil-A employment
Oklahoma is known for its innovation in amazing inventions like the parking meter and the yield sign, this incredible policy put forward by Governor Stitt is no different. Who wouldn’t love how he managed to solve both our education and our labor shortage problems. This policy was accompanied by reallocating all the funds from the free and reduced cost meals program directly to oil company subsidies. He even went so far as to arm himself to escort all the kids from the schools to their new jobs.
When Gubernatorial King Kevin did an ollie on live TV while promoting neo-Nazi censorship policies
Sure, it’s a bit concerning but you can’t deny it was pretty sick.
When John (that is his real first name) started his speech with the dictionary definition of “liberty”
I am sure all professors will agree that dictionary definitions best introduce a rhetorical argument. He’s speaking my language. Before his speech I had never heard of that word so I am glad I can add it to my lexicon.
When Jeb Stitt issued a blanket pardon for all white landowning men who aren’t communist or gay
What liberals refuse to admit is Stitt is the only person to actually act on mass incarceration. By pardoning all eight straight white landowning men who had previously been held accountable for their actions our state moved to 2nd in per-capita incarceration rate.
When JK Rowling-Stitt tried to use the singular joke us conservatives have about gender identity but ended up accidentally stealing Osama bin Laden’s identity and immediately was targeted by a drone strike which missed and completely leveled the Oklahoma City Zoo
Real right-wingers (let’s go Brandon, am I right fellas?) understand that when our buddy Kev said, “Oh, if gender identity is real than I identify as terrorist leader and perpetrator of the 9/11 attacks, Osama bin Laden,” he meant that gender identity isn’t real. As real conservatives, we know he never would use pronouns. Ask any Democrat and they will always argue that “they” can be singular. They need to learn grammar. Also, the Oklahoma City Zoo was in need of renovations anyways.
When Stitt (former OSU accounting major) tried to annex Kansas for not criminalizing abortion but gave up because he couldn’t find the capital on the map
As a pro-life man who hasn’t met a woman, I appreciate his effort to take a stand against the woke mob, even if in the end he gave up when his army of oil barons and college men that haven’t discovered hygiene got lost before they reached Wichita, which they had assumed was the state capital. Every politician has to come to terms with the fact that they will not be able to enact every policy they want, and for Stitt, this meant winnowing down his colonial goals to annexing Arkansas instead.
When he gave up on his lifelong dream to be on Broadway in order to support his family by founding a mortgage company and selling his soul to the devil
Our beloved Faustian Governor inspired politicians everywhere by giving up on his dream to play Munkustrap in “Cats” just to sell his soul to the devil (mortgage companies) in exchange for all his desires to be satisfied by Mephisto (the oil and gas industry). It takes a real man to roll up your sleeves and become a despicable human being in exchange for wealth and power.
When Kev stole 40 percent of the state’s budget so that he could take his buddies to Vegas
I admire his entrepreneurial and enterprising approach to laundering.
When Lord Kevin mistook his own Lieutenant Governor for a deer and shot him in the face
You have got to love a man paying respects to the classic moments in the Republican Party’s history. Not to mention, no one really misses the guy and news sources have yet to notice that he was replaced by a similar-looking Oral Roberts alum also named Matt.
When Kevin Robinette Stitt sued President Joseph Robinette Biden for not giving him as many tanks for the OKC and Tulsa Police departments as he asked for
Sure, Biden was willing to give a few tanks, but it really shows how little Democrats care about our law enforcement that he only gave enough for half of the police department to have one. Now they have to take turns. Although the legal battle ended in both parties repeatedly pardoning themselves, I think we can appreciate the effort regardless.
