The Void: So you’re starting college

First off, welcome. I hope during your next few years here at Tulsa that you find The Void a place of warmth, compassion, and encouragement. Our goal has always been to inspire greatness in and to remind our readers of their importance and the meaningfulness of their lives. Should you ever feel down, stare into the vast emptiness of The Void, and you might just find that something stares back.

We dubbed you freshmen mostly for its similarity to the word freshmeat. That is all you are to us. My first piece of advice is to remember that always. This institution cares about you about as much as you care about an ant. There are thousands of students, faculty, and staff members to deal with so why would anyone care that the sink in your room is flooding and the carpet is wet. Expect no helping hands and always be watching for the looming shadow of a size 12 boot of oppression above your head.

Secondly remember that you will fail. Your failures in school will far outnumber your successes and your successes will really be just less disastrous failures than your classmates’. Always have in the back of your mind the difficulty of finishing your degree and the statistical likelihood of you dropping out and never doing anything productive with your life. As a wise fast food cashier once told me, “It is better to never try and never fail than to ever attempt to reach your greatest potential.”

It may have sounded like I inferred that if you complete your degree you could possibly make something of yourself. That’s a lie. A degree is nothing more than a testimony to one’s ability to bluff and remember things for short periods of time. Real life will slap you in the face with your own inadequacies. Even if you are naturally intelligent, motivated, and were somehow able to acquire the skills necessary to excel in your field, none of it matters. Your actions are inconsequential. No matter how much “good” you do for our earth you are still ultimately useless. Oblivion inches forward with each day and that is the only truth worth paying any attention to.

Dearest, fresh faced readers, I hope this guide will prepare you for the times to come. Lastly, from the bottom of the shriveled black thing that pumps liquid nitrogen through my veins, welcome to TU.

Post Author: tucollegian

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