Last week, as the State-Run Media surveyed students on their Super Bowl opinions and expectations for the half-time show, this reporter came across something strange. Sophomore chemical engineering major Jeremy Pearsons claimed to know “nothing” about the Super Bowl, or even sports in general.
In his opening statement, Pearsons asserted that he knew absolutely nothing about the Super Bowl. “I’m not even sure who’s playing this year.” When asked about the halftime show, Jeremy didn’t even know who was playing. “Katy who? All I listen to is faux 80’s electronica. I don’t even own a radio. Or a cd player. I listen to my tracks on vinyl.”
Pearsons went on to say, “I don’t even know what sport the Super Bowl is. Is it soccer? Anytime a family member or my girlfriend drags me to a sports event I’m just like woooh, take the ball, do the thing, score some points! I even got it on a shirt!”
When we told him what teams were playing and asked him to at least make a guess, Jeremy just said, “Are those really teams? What cities do they belong to? I swear you guys are just making shit up.”
“Sports don’t even matter anyway. I’d rather be prepping for the Smash Bros. tournament. That’s a real sport. It takes skill and dexterity, not like that rugby bullshit where people just smash into each other … If I even knew what that sport was.”
“I mean, who even cares about football anyway? That’s the one with the human sacrifice right? I think it’s sick that Americans have such a fascination with death that we crowd around to watch a game where all the losers are put to death to honor the God Charisacort. What kind of fucked up society is this?”
Friends of Pearsons said that this sort of behavior is typical for him. “He does this thing where he’ll pretend to be profoundly ignorant about something popular,” said Jenna Washington. “It’s like his way of saying, ‘Hey, I’m better than you.’”
Pearsons went on to say that he “didn’t even know who Taylor Swift was,” and then asked “what is an ‘iPod?’” This reporter stopped listening after that.