1. Buffalo (State Mammal): Okay, we’re starting out pretty strong here. Everyone loves buffalo (buffalos?). They’re like real life teddy bears. So like bears, I guess. Anyway, this choice is slightly marred by the tragic irony of the buffalo being hunted nearly to extinction by the western settlement that we celebrate so enthusiastically.
2. Common Raccoon (State Furbearing Animal): I like that we have a state animal, as well as a separate subcategory for animals you can shoot. Keep on rockin’ Oklahoma. Also, isn’t there a more exciting furbearing animal we could have chosen? Like the buffalo?
3. Gusty (State Cartoon Character): I’m not going to lie to you guys. I have no idea what they were thinking when they enacted this little piece of legislation. There’s only one drawing of this character, and it isn’t very good. My theory is that some bored State Representative found a bar napkin some long-dead cowboy had scribbled on and decided to see if he could incorporate it into our state canon, just for laughs.
4. Acrocanthosaurus (State Dinosaur): Hell yeah. Now this is what I’m talking about. This thing looks like it eats Communism for breakfast. Look out, Putin, we’ve got this motherfucker on our side.
5. Milk (State Beverage): Dammit, just when I thought we were getting somewhere. It’s not even chocolate milk, which is obviously better for drinking purposes. It’s wrong, too. The real state beverage is terrible low-point beer.
6. Port Silt Loam (State Soil): Oklahoma you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. While I don’t object to the particular choice of soil, I do draw the line at having it as a category in the first place. Did no one think that deciding on a state soil was a waste of everyone’s time? What important legislation didn’t get passed because the State Legislature was too busy deciding what kind of soil they felt best represented Oklahoma?
7. Mistletoe (State Floral Emblem): 0/10 stars. Totally season and climate inappropriate. Does Santa live in Oklahoma? No? Then why is this an official state symbol?
8. Bullfrog (State Amphibian): I have no opinion on this one. Aside from the fact that the frog reminds me of a childhood I cannot return to, chasing frogs in the creek behind my house. Playing with neighborhood kids who have long since moved away. Learning to ride a bicycle. Flying a kite. I cannot look at the frog any longer.
9. Collared Lizard (State Reptile): I actually kind of like this one. The lizards have pretty colors. Some people call them Mountain Boomers. That’s nice.
10. Oklahoma Tartan (State Tartan): For those who don’t know, a Tartan is a pattern of plaid specific to different Scottish tribes. How we came to get one is a mystery that I am too lazy to unravel. All I know is that I appreciate the effort taken to appropriate from a white culture for a change.