Student announces he only slept four hours last night, shocking his peers.
Local business student Cody Montgomery was sent to CSAS’s quiet room this morning for spiritual and physical healing after making the shocking announcement to his 9 a.m. intro to chemistry course that he only got four hours of sleep that night.
Shocked by this wholly unique situation, his fellow students were all beyond excited, titillated and slightly horrified by Cody’s sleepless state.
The story began when Cody walked into the lecture, looking slightly more disheveled than normal. “What the fuck bro,” commented his Chem-1011 colleague Brody when Cody first appeared. “You look like hell,” Brody continued.
The Monday morning class meeting had to be called off as the students disregarded the lecture on stoichiometry and instead lined up to hear Cody’s story. “I just was so interested by him not sleeping very well. It’s just almost unheard of,” one student remarked. She continued, “One time last semester, this guy Kevin only got three hours of sleep. No one’s seen him since, though there are rumors that he’s been taken in by the government for, like, experimentation or something.”
Brody, a pre-med student in Cody’s chemistry course, worried about the neurological development of Cody’s brain: “Sleep’s, like, essential. I can’t even imagine not getting my nightly nine. Like, he’s gonna be so messed up. I can’t imagine what made him stay up that late.”
On the topic of his peers’ total and complete shock, Cody stated, “I know it’s weird. Like, who gets fewer than nine hours a night? Haha. I’m like completely crazy. Totally uncontrollable. Like, I’ll do anything, haha.”
Cody preceded to point to a fence outside of Keplinger Hall and ask if I wanted him to jump it: “I’ll do it haha. I’ll do it. I’m like that! I’m a twisted fucking cycle path.”
Reaching out to his parents for a statement, the Montgomery family was disturbed by the unhealthy state that the university forced their son into.
“We hold the university and its staff fully responsible for the actions of our son,” said Dr. Richard Montgomery. “My great-grandfather didn’t fight and lose in this nation’s Civil War for my beautiful baby son to be treated like a pack-mule, absolutely bombarded with homework atop his already extensive extracurricular schedule. He plays sports, you know? I’m just so ashamed that my baby basketball boy was so abused.”
Braylen, whom Cody had hung out with during the night in question, reports that Cody and he were studying for an upcoming exam, though his YouTube history from the night is littered with “TikToks that radiate vine energy” compilations.
Cody’s on close watch following his stunt, and CSAS will be monitoring him and his health closely.