Don’t rely on the fake news media, get the inside scoop on the Area 51 raid.
Last Friday the internet community came together and held a march that will be written down in the history books. No, I’m not talking about the climate crisis one, that was kinda cool but really not worth much attention. What I’m referring to is the raid on Area 51. Humanity came together and congregated in the single most important secret base of the entire universe.
To say that the world is now a better place is an understatement. The suicidal millenials that braved the fort and stood together in front of the base was an army of depression and memes in physical form. To say there was a chaotically sad energy in the crowd would be like saying that water is wet (although that is still up for debate).
However, the internet community could only pass around the little bits of humor the vloggers captured, and remain mostly ignorant of the absolute chaos that conspired … on the inside. I now wish to reveal my identity as a spy that went undercover at the base from the second the Facebook page went live till just now. Here’s what I found.
June, 2019: The military was confused.
July 4, 2019: The US navy seals were told to return from their stations and sent to Nevada the weekend before the raid.
July 1 – Aug. 30th, 2019: The US Air Force deployed at least 500 planes from the time the Facebook event was created until the day before the raid commenced. From an inside source, it seemed they were leaving the base with living beings, and returning with tonnes of nuclear weaponry.
July 12, 2019, approximately 1:23 p.m.: A new position opened up on the USgov.org page suspiciously called ‘Unpaid Intern,’ where the description stated that you were required to have formerly worked at Buzzfeed. It did, however, include basic healthcare benefits. That position was filled within 25 minutes.
Aug. 1, 2019: Generals were given top-information concerning the nature of the creatures that existed in Area-51. Generals were then given a week to follow up with any questions about the beings that might have been unfamiliar to them, such as “anime-cat girls” (redirected to Elon Musk’s private phone number), “enslaved moisture” (water), and how if things went horribly wrong, the most successful (suicidal) millennial could leave with their own secret krabby patty formula.
Aug. 1, 2019, that evening: Recently employed members of the military were all required to create social media accounts. They then were tasked with creating memes to monitor the hype-level of all the users on the platform.
Sept. 18, 2019, approximately around 11 p.m.: The recruits with the most karma / followers / retweets were given Naruto headbands and were deployed to Nevada the day before the raid occurred.
Sept. 19, 2019: Upon hearing that the hype had actually died out, the recruits decided to go ahead and just pretend to raid the base anyways. They were all military — there was no harm in a little bit of espionage.
Sept. 20, 2019, 6:35 a.m.: The military proceeded to unsuccessfully attempt to raid the military base.
Sept. 20, 2019, 7:04 a.m.: Only one real youtuber actually showed up and then proceeded to capture all the glory by Naruto running across America’s screens (and hearts) on Friday morning.
As I risked my life to retrieve this information, I only have one more thing to add: They’re planning to keep this going — next year it might be to clean up the trash on the beaches, or the pentagon or the Real alien base. Stay tuned, fellow memesters. They are amongst us.