Goldie ready to trade in some suspicious meat to her favorite butcher, We Promise We Don’t Sell Cats. graphic by Conner Maggio

Where have all the cats gone?

Campus cats mysteriously vanish around Collins Hall.

We might be nearing the end of spooky season, but don’t get too relaxed. Halloween is just around the corner, waiting to jumpscare the Snickers out of you.

Unfortunately, tricks, treats and spoopy shenanigans aren’t the only things escalating in the runup to Halloween. According to Campus Security reports, there has also been a recent uptick in cat disappearances on campus grounds.

“We keep a general headcount of the number of cats that live on campus for population control purposes,” said Campus Security Officer Nancy Eaton. “And while it isn’t uncommon for that number to fluctuate a little, we’ve never seen their numbers tank like this before.”

Sadly, Officer Eaton suspects that people have been abducting cats to torture and abuse them, as often happens to felines, especially black cats, around Halloween.

“Some people are superstitious or just really hate cats, and they use Halloween as an excuse for cruelty.” As Officer Eaton explained, “It’s horrible and we wish it wouldn’t happen, but there just isn’t much we can do to protect these strays.”

While the official explanation might account for some of the disappearances, can it really justify all of them? Just in the past week, over 37 cats have disappeared. Does Campo really expect us to believe that we have that many animal abusers on campus? I don’t buy it; the numbers just don’t add up, and I’m not the only one whose eyebrows are raised.

“It’s all a cover up — a sham to protect the university’s reputation!” said applied mathematics major Connie Spires. “When I first heard about this, something just felt off. So I turned to the stats and mapped each missing cat incident by approximate geolocation. The results were shocking; a huge cluster of disappearances, all concentrated around Collins, even though hardly any cats live there. But you know who does live in Collins? Our beloved canine ambassador: Goldie.”

Spires is confident that this correlation is no coincidence.

“Everyone knows that Goldie is jealous of the campus cats. Sure, people pet her all the time, but there’s only one of her — allegedly — and about a hundred kitties for students to squeal over. Goldie wants all the attention for herself and she’s resorted to commiting serial murder to get it.” Spries theorizes, “Obviously, the University of Tulsa doesn’t want the news that they have a revenge-seeking, mass-murdering doggy on their hands, so they’re spreading this fake news about animal abusers. Absolutely disgusting, in my opinion.”

This news is groundbreaking and sure to upset every cat enthusiast on campus. Goldie lovers should be similarly disenchanted. With university administration on her side, there is no stopping Goldie’s rampage until she feels her work is done. Until then, bring your cats inside after dark and keep a watchful eye out for the campus strays. They need our help now more than ever.

Post Author: Sara Serrano