Citing their abiding love for one another, desire to start a family together and the unquenchable fire in their loins, local 20-year-olds Jericho Offer and Virginia Panna announced their engagement in front of family and friends last Sunday.
“Obviously, I’m excited,” Offer breathlessly told reporters on the scene. “This was the biggest moment of my life. I mean, I’ve been big before, but never quite to this extent. I actually got lightheaded!”
Offer’s parents could not have been more pleased with the situation. “They’ve been dating for quite some time now, a fair bit longer than the missus and myself” revealed his father Jack, a local reverend. “I knew it was only a matter of time before he popped the question but I’m just glad he did it the good old-fashioned way. Down on one knee, contrite, presented her with the key to her chastity belt. Just like his pops taught him!”
The couple had been seeing each other for two months, after meeting at a religious retreat near the start of the school year. Listening to them tell their story, it is apparent they had an instant chemistry.
“We were discussing good books after Bible study one afternoon, and we decided to play a little game,” Panna says, recounting their first conversation with a twinkle in her eye. “Counted down from three and said our favorite book at the same time. And wouldn’t you know it? Both of us, Song of Solomon!”
Offer tells a slightly different tale, no less romantic. “Her boobs, you should have seen them. Bigger than any I had ever seen in person before and not even saggy.”
Still, it was a few weeks before Offer and Panna made the leap and graduated from the friend zone. Reports from fellow students recount the two spending their first days together in a completely platonic fashion, taking walks through the park on weekends and watching Netflix at night with only the occasional ass slap in between.
“At first we were just good friends, but something more was building up for quite some time,” says Panna. “I remember the night when everything changed like it was yesterday, which of course it basically was. We were sitting in my dorm room on a Friday night, having one of those really deep conversations about the big questions in life. Missionary, doggy, reverse cowgirl, stuff like that.”
“Then I interrupted her by placing my finger ever so gently on her lips,” Offer continues with a chuckle. “I said, ‘what are we doing here? Let’s just stop beating around the bush and go right at it instead.’”
“No I don’t think this is too young!” blustered the elder Offer angrily at suggestions from reporters that the young couple was moving too quickly. “Do you know how old Mary was when she had Jesus? I think it was like 14 years old. If anything, people have been waiting too long to get married nowadays.”
His son and soon to be daughter-in-law are in agreement. “Why should we wait to get married when we know we love each other? I love everything about Virginia. I love her hair, her eyes, her mouth, her chest-to-waist ratio, everything. Talk about the total package,” the younger Offer said.
“He jumped really high when we were playing volleyball this one time and think I saw that he has abs,” Panna adds. “Who wouldn’t love that?” Neither she nor Offer had anything to say when asked about each other’s personality.
Unsurprisingly, the pair has fielded plenty of questions about the elephant in the room: sex. This reporter asked them as much in an exclusive sitdown following the proposal. Offer, who hastily slammed his laptop shut as I reentered the kitchen from a quick bathroom break, was flushed with unexpected anger as he answered.
“Of course this isn’t just about sex! There’s so much more to a relationship than that. Besides, it’s a sin to do that outside of the purpose of procreation anyway! We don’t need sex to be happy. It’s going to be me, Virginia and our 15 kids, we’re going to be perfectly fulfilled without the devil’s pilates.”
“Yeah that’s ridiculous to suggest that we are just getting married to have sex,” agreed Panna. To be honest I’m a little nervous about it. I mean the anal has been fantastic so far but who knows what things will be like when we take it all the way?”
The date for the wedding has yet to be set but sources indicate that it will be “as soon as humanly possible.”