TU releases their much anticipated yearly budget breakdown.
Finally! The yearly budget breakdown has been released from the cold, dead hands of whichever-overpaid-highranking-university-employee-who-has-nothing-to-do-with-education sent it into the ether for TU students to eagerly pour over. Nothing says reign ‘cane like knowing exactly how many quirky campus activities the $2,000 raise in tuition is paying for.
Total budget: Unknown. We may never know!
New head football coach’s salary: $3,000,000,000
Rumor has it he gets a bonus for every game we win! So they made the starting salary extra high to compensate.
Recruitment of, and tuition for, student athletes: $2,000,000,000
They are the most important students on campus. Spending thousands on academics? Silly. Let’s spend them on sports instead. TU students love sports so much that the stadium is sometimes a whole quarter full at every game!!
Recruitment of, and tuition for, student athletes majoring specifically in Sports Management: $1,999,999,999
A student athlete studying something unrelated to the sport that they play?! Unheard of. TU does not support this.
Launching the quarterback of the football team from a cannon at the end of every game (even if, and especially when, we lose): $72,000,000
This hasn’t been implemented yet, but like many things at TU, large amounts of money will be spent on it for the next several years while we all wonder if it will ever actually happen.
Landscaping: $70,000,000
Nothing says collegiate education like a perfectly trimmed hedge.
Fireworks: $70,000,000
Nothing says “At least we tried!” like fireworks that go off after a losing game.
Fireworks to launch specifically during the day: $50,000,000
Can’t see them? Doesn’t matter. Just one of the many things that TU claims to offer which are nowhere in sight.
Advertising for STEM programs: $50,000,000
Did you guys know that TU is one of the top schools in engineering?? How about CS??? These are actually the only programs they offer. Everyone in the A&S and Business colleges are NPCs.
Tissues to dry the tears of every STEM student suffering in the major that they themselves, and no one else, chose: $600,000
Those poor babies.
Keeping the liberal arts students quiet: $500,000
Even if they aren’t actually NPCs, it’s very important that they appear as such. Their script is limited to “Spring will be here soon,” “Doesn’t the grass look lovely?” and “I should have majored in biology.”
Hiring B-list bands to perform on campus: $500,000
I don’t know about the rest of you but I have always thought to myself “God, I would love to see the Plain White T’s perform on the New U during a random Friday evening! That would really be worth a $2,000 raise in tuition.”
Shuffling around restaurants in ACSU: $400,000
It’s time to move the Subway. The feng shui in here is all wrong.
President Carson’s three piece suit fund: $60,000
Ever seen him wear the same suit twice? Didn’t think so.
Bribing students with food to attend sporting events: $55,000
You mean to tell me the students of TU are not naturally interested in University sporting events??
Bribing students with TU merch to attend sporting events: $55,000
They’re not, huh? Maybe this TU branded beanie will convince them otherwise…
Hiring the Human Slinky to perform at basketball games: $50,000
Go big or go home.
Advertising for the food robots: $50,000
Have you heard that they can save you time?!
The food robots themselves: $45,000
Slightly less important than letting everyone know that they exist, and that they can save you time!
Work-study pay: $3,000
Rumor also has it they may bump the on campus minimum wage to a competitive $7.50 an hour!
Functioning wifi: $100
We’re doing everything we can to get one of the three networks up and running! Sorry, you’re getting deja vu? That’s because we’ve been saying the same thing for the last four years!
New supplies for art classes: $50
No one at TU studies art anyway, nevermind the art building, the on campus gallery, the yearly showcase of student artwork, the several adjacent art programs, some of which are the fastest growing majors on campus…
New on-campus housing appliances: $35
If your on-campus apartment frustrates you that much, go take a walk through TU’s perfectly landscaped campus. Take a deep breath and admire the daytime fireworks. Go off the grid for a minute, it’s not like your phone can connect to the wifi anyway.
Advertising for liberal arts programs: $20
Sorry, we’re not just a STEM school? We have two other colleges? One of them is arts and sciences? Oh so there are lab rooms in Chapman too, huh? Got it.