John Cena visits hospitalized children, against their wishes

13 April 2017
Amy Cairns, You can’t see her

John Cena continues to visit children with terminal illnesses long after the thrill of seeing John Cena has worn off.

World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) wrestler John Cena was seen visiting children at St. Ubald Hospital. Cena, who’s known for his charity work, was recently labeled the “World’s Biggest Make-A-Wish Superstar.” Letting this title get to his head, Cena has taken it upon himself to visit children’s hospitals, against everyone’s wishes.

Cena, proud of his charity work, could be seen parading shirtless around the hospital, brandishing his championship belt. Upon closer inspection, the belt was decorated with a teddy bear etch, and with the words “Undisputed Giving Champion” in flames surrounding it. The children, once excited by the “surprise” visits from the star, seemed excessively apathetic and almost weary upon his arrival. When Cena’s intro song started, the children looked at each other, sighed heavily, and resumed whatever activities they were previously occupied with.

“It was great the first few times, but really, we’re kind of over it now,” said hospital patient Mark Reno as Cena picked up a chair and slammed it against a wall. “He just keeps. Coming. Back.”

Cena walked up to Reno, picked him up, threw him over the shoulder, and began spinning him around as quickly as possible. Reno, unamused by this wrestling spectacle, rolled his eyes, and mouthed the word “see?” to reporters.

“It’s not that we can’t see you, John Cena. It’s that we are choosing to ignore you,” said Abigail Williams, another St. Ubald patient, as Cena paraded around the children’s ward, doing his “you can’t see me” taunt. Cena paused, turned to the children, and screamed “The champ is here!” but they remained unfazed.

Desperate to win the children’s affections, Cena decided to abandon the wrestling technique and began performing songs off his rap album “You Can’t See Me.” When that inevitably failed, Cena recited lines from his role as “Fred’s Dad” from “Fred the Movie,” but the reference went far over the young children’s heads.

Cena, content with a rough day’s work, clapped his hands together with an expression of satisfaction on his face. “Alright kids. That’s all for today. Who wants a hug?” Cena asked, putting his arms out to his adoring fans. The children glanced at one another and continued trying to ignore Cena.

“They love it when I get the chance to visit. I think I do a great job at brightening these kids’ days.” Cena said, with a confident smile on his face. “I could do this forever.”