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The State-Run Media

758 posts
Fuck Tinder. I’m off to the Bog.
I’m begging you, Bathilda, please don’t walk away now. Think about the bones I’ve lovingly scattered in our boudoir. graphic by Anna Johns
Posted in The State-Run Media

Fuck Tinder. I’m off to the Bog.

on 12 April 2021

After years of mindlessly swiping and scrolling through dating apps, I have surely seen the talent pool this side of…

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Ever Given releases apology video for being stuck in the Suez Canal
While many have praised the Suez Canal for speaking its truth, others do not believe the ship has learned the consequences of its actions. graphic by Anna Johns
Posted in The State-Run Media

Ever Given releases apology video for being stuck in the Suez Canal

on 29 March 2021

On Wednesday, disaster in the world of international trading struck: one of the largest container ships in the world (and…

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Oh, Phew: TikTok cult assures audience they are not a cult
The three things every American needs: the Almanac, two worshipful women and a fedora of possibilities. graphic by Anna Johns
Posted in The State-Run Media

Oh, Phew: TikTok cult assures audience they are not a cult

on 22 March 202122 March 2021

For the past few weeks, TikTok has been oversaturated with posts revolving around a Kentucky commune: brandished Eden, the self-sustaining…

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Big News: Sunlight Cures Depression
Is this the live, laugh, love experience? Wonders never cease! graphic by Emma Palmer
Posted in The State-Run Media

Big News: Sunlight Cures Depression

on 22 March 2021

Ladies and gents, I have reached a most stunning conclusion this past weekend: depression does not exist! I stepped outside…

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Hurricane Spotlight: here are the impious, rowdy trolls who guard McFarlin from COVID-19
Gogmagog the Insipid and Jötnar the Rock Tosser out in the sun. graphic by Anna Johns
Posted in Satire The State-Run Media

Hurricane Spotlight: here are the impious, rowdy trolls who guard McFarlin from COVID-19

on 15 March 2021

With vaccinations rising and cases of COVID-19 falling, commuter and on-campus students alike feel more comfortable hanging around campus; with…

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So Scary: TU has been besieged TU finds itself in shambles in the by Ancient Rome!
Et tu, Goldie? graphic by Anna Johns
Posted in The State-Run Media

So Scary: TU has been besieged TU finds itself in shambles in the by Ancient Rome!

on 8 March 202115 March 2021

The week was shaping up to be quiet for TU; midterms were on the mind, weather was in flux and…

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McFarlin Ghost Tour delivers its promise of fright
A rare photo emerged of Clancy and his amulet after the Ghost Tour. Is this the mysterious “Farly”? graphic by Anna Johns
Posted in The State-Run Media

McFarlin Ghost Tour delivers its promise of fright

on 1 March 2021

Last Thursday, McFarlin Library hosted a ghost tour that promised the exploration of the haunted upper library floors. TU students…

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Missed Connections: Seeking philosophy major hottie
Every moment can lead to romance, even when your professor is trying to share their screen. graphic by Anna Johns
Posted in The State-Run Media

Missed Connections: Seeking philosophy major hottie

on 1 March 20211 March 2021

We were in class via Collaborate. The subject was history, but it might as well have been chemistry! You’ve talked…

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Ted Cruz desperate for friends, rebrands for Gen Z
Witnesses report hearing Cruz ask if VSCO girl jokes re still relevant. graphic by Emma Palmer
Posted in The State-Run Media

Ted Cruz desperate for friends, rebrands for Gen Z

on 22 February 2021

It’s no secret that Texas Senator Ted Cruz is a very unpopular man. In the wake of the attempted coup…

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Heartwarming: frat house tries to learn feminist theory
Wow, hottie with a body! Wait, you’re telling me he’s WOKE too? graphic by Anna Johns
Posted in The State-Run Media

Heartwarming: frat house tries to learn feminist theory

on 22 February 2021

Last semester, frat house Alpha Smegma Chi found itself fighting controversy after all of their pledges tested positive for COVID-19.…

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