I suppose you have to take drastic measures to get any kind of student turnout for campus activities. With the…
Only a gun can stop Jake Gyllenhaal
I used to believe in gun control. Then Jake Gyllenhaal didn’t visit Taylor Swift on her birthday. This has been…
Ethical landlord dots the ‘i’s in his eviction notices with little hearts
Free will? You get that for free? My landlord charges, like, $80 for not following the Oracle of Delphi. Liberals…
No, no, you misunderstand. I committed tax fraud as a joke.
I don’t know why everyone is making such a big deal out of this. It was sarcastic. Jesus, nobody knows…
Hurricane Spotlight: the encounterable supernatural creatures on campus
Honestly, they’re kind of boring with their whole “woe is me, my body has decomposed into the sands of time…
My fraternity is morally (but also financially) bankrupt
Dad, if you are reading, please send money. Listen, I know. Fraternities are tools for status quo maintenance by maintaining…
Driller Update: not enough
Though we have seen concessions, we must stay vigilant If you have watched the news this week, you will have…
Brave professor declares Wingdings font mandatory in student essays
Professor assures students no college professors will ever ask them to use a font other than Wingdings Professor assures students…
Letter to the editor: how the mighty have fallen
Art is dead, and we do ourselves no favors in erasing the last vestiges of the Renaissance. To anyone who…
Mandatory alcohol training inspires drinking game
The mandatory training on alcohol safety is due next Wednesday. Here’s a new training-based drinking game to get you through…