Aries (March 20-April 19th): The stars are aligned for you Aries! You’re on top of the world this week; no challenge is met without apt energy and zeal. Remember, though, this is a zero sum game. The auric bourgeoisie grows fat on spiritual energy ripped from the souls of countless water signs, from joy wrought of their suffering. Happy, pig?
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): The Bull Sign, Tauruses experience strong spiritual embodiment this week, making the consumption of any beef product as mentally traumatic and karmically damning as an act of human cannibalism. Oh, and last week, too. TL;DR if you ate a burger recently you are going to super hell.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): The twin sign, Gemini’s should look out for fraternal döpplegangers, dangerous supernatural beings which roam our plain when Pluto is furthest. ‘But,’ you ask, ‘how are we supposed to recognize a fraternal body double?’ Well, that– hm. You… Okay that’s a stumper, actually. This could be bad…
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): This week, you should listen to the album “I Shall Find Time” and single “Open Eyes” by the Mannequins. That’s not prophetic advice, I’m just putting you on; your actual fortune is pretty boring this week. You just burn your tongue on some popcorn and have a couple Freudian dreams.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): Mercury is in retrograde this week, and the moon is waning; you know what that means! You are going to smell AWFUL this week, combo of red onions and a newborn’s first defecation. Nobody knows why this happens, but hey, what are ya gonna do.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): The Universe, impartial and all seeing, has come back with the results: your crappy sleep schedule is NOT a brag! In fact, it merits some embarrassment! Why would we be impressed that you’re too lazy to do your work until 9:00 p.m. and too weak-willed to turn off Tiktok until 4 in the morning? Get a grip, Virgo!
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): They say comparison is only the thief of joy if you’re bad at what’s compared, so focus on your strong points, like reading the State-Run Media. As an astrologer, I can confirm that your loyal readership absolutely makes you better than other “people.” And don’t fret putting your friends on — you also get points for being here first.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): The astral charts say that if you haven’t already gotten sick, it happens to you this week. There is a silver lining, though; this gives you time to recover and get your immune system right for Thanksgiving break. Time to tap into the garlic pill, Scorpio.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): Sagittarius. That’s a weird word, it should be the name of a bone or something: the Sagittarius, just above the ulna. Sagittarius. Sagit, Tarius. Saaagitt-ayyyriyuss. Sounds weird now. Oh by the way, avoid the color green at all costs this week.
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 19th): Two weeks left to Thanksgiving break: time to start training! You’ve spent three months having intellectual discussions with scholars at a prestigious-ish university. Now you’re going from 4,000-level seminars to lunch with Gam-Gam and Uncle Steve. You’re going to have to dumb down a little to make these conversations bearable (no hate to Gam-Gam & Steve, obviously)
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): KEEP NOT DESIRING!!! The Dharmic scales read that you’re, like, four weeks of material detachment away from Nirvana, you just have to not think about any pleasures, like how good a cigarette and two beers on an empty stomach would feel — whatever you do, don’t imagine the familiar embrace of a good buzz warmed from within by a haze of fuzzy tobacco smoke. Wait, stop!! STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!! AQUARIUS NO!!!
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): Help! They’re coming for my astrological swag! My oracles too cryptic, my lore too developed! They’ll kill me Pisces — they’ll draw and quarter a white boy over this level of The Sight! You’ve gotta hide me: roll around in the Kep bathroom and run in circles around me — they’re tracking my fragrant aura!!
