The Board and our Supreme Leader Rick Dickson lead us to yet another perfect fall.
The State-Run Media is proud to announce that our glorious university is once again at the top of every measurable statistic possible. While it can not be argued that it was a close or even tough race, it was still a race won and dominated by our fair University of Tulsa. Supreme Leader Rick Dickson personally sent out a statement explaining that UTulsa is the richest, smartest and most powerful university in the world. A military parade is being scheduled to run during finals week in celebration of this feat.
The Board of Trustees was pleased to announce at the beginning of the semester that misinformation is, once again, at 0%. Faculty and students can rest easy knowing that they are perfectly informed by their benevolent caretakers. Furthermore, for the sixth year in a row, there has been zero corruption. The Board can safely say that each and every one of their members, angelic beings that they are, has not even entertained the possibility of bribes or other coercive measures to ensure their goals.
In fact, the State-Run Media recently completed a study that shows happiness at 100%. There is no depression or stress among our students or faculty, thanks of course to our amazing Board of Trustees. When asked for comment, one Board member stated that “it was a very simple job, of course, for naturally talented people like ourselves who had to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps to earn our millions. But it was nonetheless an important job, and a job we, of course, did extremely well.” The member also profusely denied any reports of a secret police force that went around silencing depressed students. “Those reports were garnered by our enemies, the completely evil and uncivilized Oklahoma State Cowboys. Rest assured, there is no truth to those statements,” the Board member said before quickly being ushered away by several tall, burly, white men with heavy military gear, dark hats and bandanas wrapped around their faces.
The Oklahoma State Cowboys will no longer present any existential threat to our far superior University, however, as they were soundly crushed in battle earlier in the year. Secretary of Defense Tre Lamb reported that the operation “was swift and precise and executed perfectly.” The operation, which occurred on Sept.19, struck right in the heart of Oklahoma State territory. Furthermore, the leader of Oklahoma State’s military, Mike Gundy, was captured as a result of the operation. He sadly died of mysterious causes before he could receive a fair and judicious trial at our beautiful campus. This was likely because of the weak constitutions of those Cowboys, as is known from the daily two minutes hate, though all judgement must be reserved until the Board finishes their entirely truthful and revealing report.
In other military news, UTulsa has again been undefeated against every possible opponent, even with Secretary of Defense Tre Lamb only having been appointed in the last year. The Board is currently reviewing how exactly to expand into all this new territory the University has conquered. There are some plans floating around about possibly moving certain departments, particularly Media Studies, out into those new lands, but no official word has been sent out from the Board.
All in all, the fall semester has once again been absolutely perfect, entirely due to our Board of Trustees and our Supreme Leader Rick Dickson. There are, of course, always students seeking for something to protest. But despite this inherent part of a student’s nature, once again there have been no protests or dissent of any sort among the students, for nothing can be found that is not perfected by our leaders’ touch. In the end, only one thing could possibly be shouted by the upright and orthodox student of the University of Tulsa: “Reign Cane!”
