As many of you are aware, the Hurricane Market (also known as C-Store, Convenience-S and “Store where everything is free”) recently closed, and while there has been a wave of questioning on why it might have closed, the true reason behind the shutdown will be revealed by yours truly, as I am here to speak the truth. I single handedly stole about $45,000 worth of those disgusting Prairie City Bakery’s “Ooey Gooey Butter Cakes” over the course of 2 semesters. They are gross, I would never even think about eating them, but if you let them sit in the sun for over 2 days, they harden into a substance stronger than steel s156 and have a higher tensile strength than carbon nanotubes. They are the ultimate building block, these 23% of your daily sugar intake, diabetes bricks will take us to the moon. I have a warehouse outside of Tulsa that I have been renting for just this occasion, and at this moment there is over 700 tons of the super material awaiting a broader market appeal.
Let me walk you through my process, as it is quite involved. I have a network of freshmen that I pay $35 dollars a month to intentionally take school ID’s, whether that be calling into campus security and saying you dropped your ID in high traffic areas, or stealing them from unattended backpacks in the student union. Once the ID’s have been trafficked into my possession, I take a night trip to the convenience store, wearing non-descript gray clothing, and a cheap disposable mask. Scan into the 24-hour establishment with the stolen ID and grab the entire box of ooey gooey butter cakes. As a word of warning to all my potential copycats they also make a chocolate cake but it does not have the same material strength qualities as its yellow labeled brother and can be safely ignored. After exiting the student union with haste, I jump into a stolen 1983 black Buick Grand National with a lit check engine light and a skinny spare on the back left tire. I peel out of the parking lot at a speedy 10 mph to avoid suspicion and head towards my top secret warehouse.
The cakes are unwrapped and laid out on the pavement at one brick every 18 inches, to ensure proper heating. After 24 hours outside, they are flipped over so both sides get sun. If it is ever raining production halts, but that is the price you pay for the future. After hardening they are moved inside and stacked as high as possible. I already have contacts with Northrop, NASA and Brinks as they have expressed interest in my super building block. But this shutdown of the source of my cakes is putting a hamper on any potential business dealings. So I write this article from the safety of anonymity as a message to the University of Tulsa, I need more of the ooey gooey butter cakes and I’m willing to let you in on the cut if we can work together.
