Aries (March 20-April 19th): I don’t care what the editors say; I’m abusing the semicolon key till it breaks off my f****** computer. Torture my body; break my bones; kill me. Fine; then you will have my dead body; not my obedience. If you want me to be grammatically correct then you’re just gonna have to chop my right pinky off; because I; would rather; die;
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Your fortune this week is to find a large sum of money beneath the Old U, buried ten feet beneath the circle of flowers where they make the bonfire. Don’t let anyone stop you from digging! If they get too close you may have to resort to violence, but just this once, I give you permission — this is your destiny, Taurus.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): The stars just told me that the animals in Minecraft had human souls. All of them. Like real, pain-feeling, immortal souls, which were a mortal sin to kill. Mojang pirated them from Swedish newborn babies and put them in the game. I don’t really know what we should do; no amount of penance could save us now. We’re doomed.
Cancer: (June 21st- July 22nd): As Thanksgiving comes around again, take time to recall what you’re grateful for. Karmic reward? No, not this time? Stars, there’s not always a treat for the bare minimum, you know; some of us are just thankful to be better people. Maybe try it sometime?
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): You should drop out and pursue the rap game, Capricorn. And you might have doubts; “but I’m getting good grades!” “But I don’t know anything about production!” “But I don’t even like rap!” Oh but my child. It would be kind of funny.
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): Finals are important, but so is rest! This Thanksgiving break, take a complete break from studying, especially the classes that I’m in. Especially in the ones with a curve. In fact, the stars are saying you’ll fail unless you stop studying in all those classes RIGHT NOW.
Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd): The universe has revealed to me the secrets of the stars. Unfortunately, NASA has threatened to award me the highest honor in investigative journalism if I talk about it, so for my safety, the stars do NOT orbit the earth, which is also spherically round and devoid of nephilim.
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): The moon is accelerating this week. This is genuinely going to be catastrophic for the ocean. It may pull out of orbit, very well could be an extinction event, but I’m not an astronomer, so who cares? The astrological significance: your lucky numbers this week are 11 and 4.
Sagittarius (November 22nd- December 21st): Sorry, no horoscope this week. It’s not my fault: when the government shutdown ended, I realized that my beta soycuck cousin who works for the post office started getting paid again, so naturally, I became enraged at the thought of my chud mailman cousin getting ahead and smashed my telescope. Don’t blame me; blame freaking Trevor.
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): Capricorn, thank you for reading The Collegian. As a thank you, we in the astrology department are giving you next week off of school, on us. Enjoy going home to your family or relaxing here, free of classes for a week courtesy of your TU newspaper. You’re welcome, Capricorn. But don’t forget that you owe us.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Mercury is in retrograde again, the official permission slip for you to start being as impatient, petty and downright annoying as your heart desires. The first rule of astrology fandom is that nothing you do wrong is your fault. We are but fortune’s playthings, and your puppeteer wants you to harass minimum wage workers!!
Pisces (February 19th-March 19th): There is a fountain that was not made by the hands of men. Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world, and you may say to yourself: “this is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife! How did I get here?” Good question bub — but hey, I just tell the jokes here
